i fail

so yesterday at 11pm i put the side back on and made annika's bed a crib again. i am pretty upset. i wanted to prve to all the people who thought it was too early wrong. but i fail. last night was a bad bad night and it was frustrating and just shit. so after annika refused to eat and threw her plate of food on the ground 2 times, after her bath, i put her to bed. now while she was bathing i installed a fancy baby gate in front of her door to prevent her from escaping in the morning. we did the whole up and down thing several times, and finally i just closed the baby gat e and walked away. my bad, she hung her arms over the gate and screamed like i was beating her. i swear to god. so i calmed her down, kissed her goodnight put her back to bed, and the little beast thought we were playing, she was out of the bed before i even left the room. so up and down and up and down and up and down until 11 when i put the bed back to a crib and then still 45 mins of screaming. luckily i was exhausted and could sorta sleep throght it. (you see she woke up at 4:30 am yesterday) i think she is getting her 2 year old molars and i dont know how long it takes to get those suckers to pop out but i wish it was faster. i wish she would stop being so contrary but most of all i wish that these episodes of torture wouldnt make me feel like such a bad parent. like i know that i am a good mom. but sometimmes things like this happen and i feel horrible. lke maybe if i had just waited to take her bed apart, or any numb er of things that would make me a "better" parent. anyways of course she is being a little angel for gran today.
i think i am going to call in sick to work i dont wanna getup in the morning.
blech.

a quick addition

i said that i think her jaunts out of bed are hilariously frustrating. but they are mostly hilarious becaus ehse has such joy at her escape each time. little pistol that she is. nd i realized this is what i want for her. no fear, confidence, happiness and this is what i have provided. yay

mistake?

so i feel like annika is growing into a big girl and she deserves to be treated thus. i changed all her straw cups to sippy cups, i let her pick some of her own clothes, we "sing" the ABC's etc. so last night i made a huge leap. i lept into changing her crib to a toddler bed.
maybe to big a leap. she figured out that she could get out of bed, which is common so no problems there, but the testing of my Patience was hilariously frustrating. 9pm is her bed time so i tucked her in gave a big kiss and said goodnight. i turned out the light, shut the door and walked away. about 1minute later i hear the stomping of little feet, the door opens and out runs annika with the biggest grin. like she thought it was so marvelous she could get out of bed. i calmly told her that it was time for bed and put her back. 2 more times this happens where i actually say good night. then for another hour it is back and forth without me saying a word. and her grinning like a little demon child. it was soooooooo funny, at one point i walked into my room to see if she would wander back to bed, no go, she just wandered saying momma? and then tried to let the dogs in. i swear a couple of times i started coughing because i was trying so hard not to laugh at all of this. there was no crying no screaming just an excited little girl who figured something new out.
anyways she finally fell asleep about 10pm. and i had a good laugh.
we'll see how things go tonight. ; )

cuz you gotta have faith ?

faith has suddenly become an interesting issue in life lately. i became a catholic 5 years ago this Easter. i went through a rigorous class lasting 1.5 years, then got baptised at Easter vigil. my faith has been fairly strong and while i might not be the most consistent churchgoer i really believe. i believe that god is watching and while it is not his job to intervene he is there and he cares and he shares in our collective misery/happiness/hope etc. more importantly god believes in us. it may be hard for him but i think he believes that the human race will survive and we will become better. there are a lot of pitfalls but it is no longer gods job to start over. i mean how many plagues, floods, pillars of salt can a god command before he says you have to do it yourself. like a parent who eventually cant bail their kid out of jail anymore. the parent who has to let their little one make their own mistakes, then fix them. i strongly believe that after god';s ultimate sacrifice, a son an actual human life who took on all of our sins and problems and shouldered them so he could pay the penance for us. i think god has a right to say your turn.
anyways. up until this point i have felt very strongly that god had faith in me like i have faith in him/her. i felt like i could pray to him and while he may not be able to do anything he would listen. but lately my faith in god's faith in me has been diminishing. or maybe it is my faith in myself. i am no longer confident that god is listening. i don't expect god to fix things for me. but i used to feel god, i used to feel that presence. is it gone because maybe i don't believe anymore. or is it gone because i have allowed myself to become so wrapped up in everyone and everything else i can no longer feel it. i don't know. i mean you hear about the people who have sick children who go one of 2 ways. extreme religious belief, zealots etc. even if their child dies it is gods will and his mercy etc etc. then there are those who believe god is punishing them and don't feel there is a justification for the punishment so they get angry and forsake god. yet still blame him for their child's death or whatever. that's all fine whatever helps you cope right.
but what about the in betweeners. the people who still have faith and don't feel like any of this is gods will/fault. but feel like it is what it is and are questioning their faith not because they don't have any but because it is less. or it is no longer enough to sustain them. what happens then.

professional help.

i am gonna talk about me for a minute. or however long it takes you to read this.

I have a problem. i involve myself in other people's issues and then feel sorta obligated to finish/follow through with them . I mean it is hard for me to weatch things happen to my friends and not want to help. but then i get too involved, end up getting upset by the whole thing, and feel like i need to stop. but then i ask about it again. arrrgh its a sickness. i feel compelled to ask to make sure things are ok to help out as much as possible even if it means i am gonna go crazy.maybe its some weird sort of white knight/narscissitic (sp?) syndrom. maybe subconciously i offer my help because then i know people will think i am a good person which in turn makes me not such a good person
thinking about all of this gives me a headache.
i feel like in order to show that i love someone i have to be there for them as much as possible. even if it means slogging through shit i shouldnt be slogging through. i like to make dinners and desserts, plan for birthdays and even occasionally (actually very rarely) help clean house. but then because i am kinda nuts i get upset that there isnt someone there to take care of me the way i take care of other people. for clarification purposes i do not expect people to take care of me the same way but sometimes i hope there is someone out there who wants to comfort me in the same ways i like to comfort other people.
i give myself a headache , and re reading this makes me positive i need some professional help. luckily i am going to get that.
anyhoo... i will stop chattering about me and eventually write about my loverly daughter.

tra la la. no seizures for a few days now. it has only taken 4 meds but here we are happily seizure free for once. I know that i dont really have it so bad i mean she could still be having uncontrollable seizures still. she could be brain damaged, she could be dead.
sometimes i feel so selfish for feeling sorry for myself a little. I mean annika is the one with the seizures, and again other people have it worse. but its soooo frustrating talking to doctors, and dealing with new meds, having to explain everything 20 million times just to make sure all the right people know how to medicate and take care of my girl. i know it goes without saying but i love her so much and if anything happened i would totally blame myself even if i wasnt around. we were watching csi last night with papa, and these people had a daughter who died accidentely while with aq babysitter, the babysitter had a baby and they adopted it but the mom hated the kid because she reminded her of the woman who killed her first baby that she killed her second daughter.
weird.
i wouldnt be able to replace my annika. she laughs at her farts, eats her boogers, hugs me when i ask, like to look at the world upside down, and knows without a doubt that she is hot shit. its awesome.
well that is all for now.

i digress

so i have been busy this last week (what else is new) but I want to share something.
one of my best freinds B had her baby this week, and she had almost the same labor that i did, epidural wore off, ended in a c section after 24 hours..... anyways. so now she has this beautiful baby boy. but while i was at the hospital watching her breath through the pain i realized how very tribal giving birth can be. the people you trust are there, sometimes your parents, certainly your SO your friends if theya re part of your chosen tribe. and that frankly there is no man out there who actually can understand what it is like to try to push a kid out at 3 am and why you have chosen to surround yourself with the strength of your tribe. its pretty awesome i think. i wonder if now the baby will some how through osmosis or something develope trait of mine or T's that were wandering around hism other's hosptial room.
anyways. that is all for today. i am not ready to discuss the newest developments of annika sooo i will talk later when i am ready.